Durc's Story (Book 8 of 9) Durc's Story… Concluded
by RedRoseOfTexas
Summary: Having lived long and eventful lives, all the main characters find their paths to the spirit world. Their legacy lives on in the following generations.


Originally posted on Archive Of Our Own October 22, 2019

Durc's Story (Book 8 of 9) Durc's Story… Concluded

Summary:  
Having lived long and eventful lives, all the main characters find their paths to the spirit world. Their legacy lives on in the following generations.

Notes:  
Most of these are not my characters to kill off, but I felt the need to write ends for my own sense of completion. Not intending to publish (nor share) any of these stories when I wrote them, I thought this was an acceptable sin. The most surprising thing for me was the vision of the spirit world that emerged.

Chapter 1: After Life

"Father?"  
"Yes, Dura."  
"When are you going to die?"  
"Hopefully long after you have grown up and found your happy place in this world."  
"What is my happy place?"  
"You are happiest when you are running. I think when your running can serve a more important purpose than scouting ahead on our Journey, that is when you find true happiness.  
"What purpose is more important than scouting ahead?"  
"That is for you to discover."  
"Did you find true happiness?"  
"I did."  
"With Mother?"  
"Yes, and with you. Our purpose was to make you and your brother. That is what gave us true happiness."  
"So, I should find someone I can make children with while running?"  
Durc smiled. "That would be difficult."  
"Why?"  
"Making children is done laying down, not running."  
"Oh. So, I should run to every end of the earth and lie down to have a child?"  
"You won't be able to run unless you leave the child behind. If you do that, you miss out on the best part, watching them grow up."  
She was quiet for a while. "How long can I run between lying down to make the baby and giving birth?"  
"I don't know. Maybe three or four moons?"  
"So, I can run four moons away from home, lay down to make a baby, then run home to have it."  
"What would be the purpose of that?"  
"I don't know, father. Maybe the Mother wants all the people of the Earth to mix."

"Durc? Durc?" Latie shook the man awake.  
"What?" He looked around disoriented.  
"You were mumbling in your sleep."  
"I was with Dura. We had just started our Journey. It was so real. Has she come back?"  
"She has been back for over a year." Latie shifted the baby to her other breast.  
"Oh. That's right. Is that her baby?"  
"No. It's ours."  
"It doesn't look mixed." He said in confusion.  
"It isn't. You aren't the father."  
"Oh. Another Jondalar baby?"  
"No, you never met the father. He's dead now."  
"Did I kill him?"  
"No. You get jealous, but not violent."  
"I killed men. Many men. They hate us, they are not better than us. I should have killed more."  
"Killing only gives them a reason to kill. It does not stop it, it makes it worse. Killing the bad ideas with truth has worked. We have seen it work. You did far more good with your talking than your killing."  
"Oh. You're right. I was a bad husband. That is why you have other men's babies?"  
"You have been a good husband and a bad husband. I have been a good wife and a bad wife. You only get one perfect love per life."  
"Ura. I want to see her so much. I miss her so much."  
"You keep saying that, but you keep staying here with us. Why is that?"  
"It is all a lie. There is no spirit world. We go into the ground and we stay there to rot for all of time. I pretend Ura waiting for me because I want it to be so. It is not."  
"Really? Tell me how you knew Deegie's name?"  
"You introduced me to her."  
"No. When you got to camp you asked for Deegie."  
"I ask for food. You think I say Deegie."  
"Whatever you say, Durc."  
"Have you ever talked to Ura? Have you talked to anyone on the other side?"  
"No, I haven't," Latie admitted.  
"Then you know it is a lie."  
"Maybe it is. Maybe it is only a place for Clan. Maybe you never had to worry about having to put up with me and Kotani in the next world because we aren't allowed in. Ura will have you all to herself."  
"Oh. I hope you go there too. Ura like you. Want to be friend."  
"I would like that. I think we would have plenty to talk about."  
"You talk about me. You both think I am stupid."  
"You have made your share of bad decisions. Haven't we all?"  
"Dura not make bad decisions. She is best. She is best of Clan, best of Others."  
"She certainly is."

"He's getting worse," Latie said.  
"Is he dangerous?" Ayla asked.  
"I would never leave him alone with the baby. He is so whithered and weak, I doubt he could even harm himself other than rolling off the bed platform."  
"I can set him free." Ayla said, looking at Dura and Latie pointedly. They both looked down, searching their feelings. "He asked for it when I found him with his ruined leg. I told him I would, but only after he came home and said his goodbyes to you. He never asked again."  
"Would you have?" Dura asked.  
"If he was in severe pain or dangerous to others I would have no choice."  
"It has to be his choice," Dura said as she reached her conclusion.  
"It's not really him anymore," Latie said. "He doesn't know where he is, doesn't always know who we are, has no new memories. He would agree to die and minutes later be angry we asked the question."  
"He doesn't know who you are?" Jonayla asked.  
"He is very good at pretending he knows. When you ask him directly he just pretends anger at being doubted."  
"Dalonar was very much like that at the end," Jondalar said.  
"He called me Jerica for the last few moons," Joplaya said. "He never forgot her. I stopped correcting him because he would just get agitated."  
"It is better to just play along with them," Latie said. "He did say something interesting that has been turning in my mind. He claimed to have talked to Ura right after she died, and I believe it beyond doubt. He also claimed to have talked to her several times after that, and much of what he said came to pass."  
"Mother came to me, but nothing she said was something I couldn't have known myself. It might have just been a dream." Dura said.  
Echazar spoke up. "My grandfather came to me and told me if I chose to live, a beautiful woman would mate me and give me beautiful children. That was before Dalonar fished me out of the river. I guess it could have been my imagination and I made it happen because I believed it would."  
"What Durc asked me was if I had talked to anyone from the other side. I know I haven't aside from weird dreams that never really came to pass. Old Mamut told me in a dream that I would hop like a frog wishing I was a butterfly. Could he be more obscure? Anyone have something realistic happen?"  
"Not me," said Jondalar. "I hoped mother would come and tell me she is happy again. The end was difficult to watch. Certainly, if anyone could cross back over, it would be Zolena."  
Jonayla shook her head, as did Joplaya. Everyone looked at Ayla. "Yes. Creb came to me several times. He saved us from the flood."  
"That is how you knew it was coming?" Jondalar asked. She nodded. "You never told me that."  
"Creb was your Mamut in the Clan?" Latie asked. Ayla nodded. "A Clan connection. Durc said maybe the spirit world is only for Clan."  
Everyone sat in stunned silence. Dura looked at Kinidar. Echazar looked at Joplaya. The thought that eternity would be without the one they loved would be worse than anything they had ever contemplated.  
"Are you saying we don't go anywhere?" Jonayla finally asked, her voice trembling.  
"Maybe it is a different place." Ayla offered, not helping much.  
"I think because I am mixed I will get to choose," Echazar said confidently. "Nothing will stop me from being with my love."  
"I'm sorry. It was just an interesting thought. I didn't really think it through. If it is a choice, no chance Durc will choose me over Ura. If he did I would slap him all the way back to her for making yet another really stupid decision." Everyone laughed distractedly. "Of course, that means I will be alone."  
Ayla took hold of her hand. "You will never be alone Latie. You are part of us and we are part of you. We can make it official if you would like." After Durc passes was the unspoken prerequisite.  
"Will Jondalar rub my feet?" Latie asked with a smile, doing her best to change the subject and lighten the mood.  
"You would like that?" Jondalar asked in surprise.  
Every woman spoke in unison loudly "Yes!"  
"If he won't, I will." Ayla answered while the men sat glancing at each other in confusion.  
Echazar looked at Joplaya and she nodded meekly. He immediately took her foot in his hand and began rubbing it. Kinidar took the next step and rubbed Dura's feet as he had done when they were young. Jondalar walked across to Latie and knelt in front of her.  
"Get a room," Jonayla said, standing up and stretching, doing her best not to think about Hasorav and his soft young hands. She went out to check on the horses.

"No father, you can't go out there." Dura cried trying to hold him back. He was weak but stronger than the little girl.  
"I have to. The fire is almost out." Durc was delusional, the fever raging in his head.  
"The fire is inside. I will keep it going father."  
Durc stopped and looked at the little girl. "You are speaking Zelandoni. We haven't met the Others yet. How do you know their language?"  
"Because this is a dream. Please lie down father. You will die out there."  
"I want to die. Don't you understand. Mother is waiting for me."  
"She has all of eternity to wait father. Tell me about the spirit world. Are there any Others there?"  
"No. There is no spirit world for those murderous monsters. I should kill them all, so they rot in the dirt for eternity."  
"Why did you abandon me father?" Rune asked. "You were abandoned so you should know how horrible that would make me feel."  
"You are leader now."  
"That excuses you selfishly walking away from me, from your people? We needed you and you just wanted to be with a woman of the Others."  
"No, I never wanted that. She forced me."  
"She tied you down and pulled you inside her? No. She lay back and asked. You were hard and inside her in seconds."  
"I felt bad for betraying your mother. I tried to die."  
"And failed. You have a lifetime of failures. You failed your love, letting Broud kill her. You failed me, leaving me to be raised by animals. You failed Dura, walking her to the edge of starvation because you could only think of going forward, not looking to the sides. You failed Latie by leaving her with an abomination inside her. You failed Kotani letting her almost freeze to death in that cave when you knew it wasn't safe. You failed all of their mixed children because you were so sure you could save a backwards people from their own stubborn backward ways. Worst of all you failed your mother because now you are going to make her kill you and live with that guilt for all time."  
"No mother, don't kill me. Please don't kill me, mama, I love you." He woke sobbing into a soft shoulder.  
"Just a dream Durc. You are alright." Latie patted his back.  
"You don't have to kill me mother. I will do it."  
"How will you do it, Durc?" Latie asked.  
"You know, mother. The easy way. Datura leaf decoction. Drift off to sleep and never wake up."  
"I don't have any Datura leaves."  
"There are some under the bed platform. I collected them last summer. I was scared to use them, but I'm not scared any more. Please, mother, help me to the fire and I will take care of the rest. You don't have to watch. You don't have to be sad. I'll be with Ura. No more burden. No more bad decisions. I will do what she tells me to do. I know she is always right. Just like her daughter. They are always right and I will always do what they tell me."  
Latie searched under the bed and found the little pouch with the specific knots. She put it in a pocket to give to Ayla.  
"Durc, what color is my hair?"  
"You are yellow haired like the sun."  
Look at me Durc. What color is my hair?"  
"It is red now. Why did you change it?"  
"Who do you know with red hair?"  
"The beautiful Latie had red hair. She left me because I was a bad husband. I made stupid decisions."  
"You certainly did. What is my name Durc?"  
"You are Ayla of the Mamutoi."  
"Close, try again."  
A long look of confusion. "Latie? You came back?"  
"I never left you, crazy old man."  
"Old? I'm younger than you."  
"This is the thing you remember clearly? Not my name, not my looks, not my location. You retained the most important piece of information, my age. Yes, Durc, I am older than you. Every day you give me more and more gray."  
"You should have left me. You never should have taken me in."  
"I have many regrets Durc, that is not one of them."  
"Is that Dura's baby? It isn't mixed."  
"It is my baby Durc. His name is Hasorav. His father is dead now, and no, you didn't kill him in a jealous rage."  
"He is beautiful like you."

"It is definitely Datura. Well dried and preserved. Correct knots as well."  
"Would it be a lethal dose?"  
"About ten lethal doses if made right. Harmless as it is now."  
"That's good. Do you think he could prepare it right in his current state of mind?"  
"I would have to watch to be sure. Easier if I do it myself."  
"Can you live with that?"  
"Before last year's killing sickness, it would have been difficult. Watching dozens of people die slowly in agony made it a lot easier. He is my son. He has had a good life. I will do it if he wants me to. Do you want me to?"  
"I don't know. I wouldn't have asked if I was against it. His nightmares are getting worse, but I don't think it is harming him."  
"It takes a lot of your time."  
"I have plenty of that. Dura has better things to do. Have you asked her?"  
"Yes. She is for it, but not yet. She likes talking to him about the past. He seems to remember that well."  
"When she is ready, I will be ready," Latie said resignedly.  
"You don't have to wait for the matrimonial if you want to enjoy Jondalar."  
"How did you know what I was thinking?"  
"You were looking at his bed. I have those thoughts when I look there. I will watch Haso and my son tonight. Jondalar will take care of your needs."  
"I would settle for a foot massage."  
"You shouldn't settle for less Latie. Haven't you done that enough in your life?"

"Are you my mother?"  
"Yes, Durc."  
"I thought Latie was my mother this morning. She was mad."  
"She was mad because you remembered her age, but not her."  
"That sounds like her. I seem to lose things when I go to sleep. The bad dreams confuse me. I'm ready for the Datura. Someone took my leaves."  
"If you were going to use them, you would have."  
"I'm ready now."  
"We aren't."  
"You rode your horses near the peninsula on your way here?" He asked.  
"Yes."  
"It was during the first Clan gathering after you left."  
"I think it was."  
"I stood on a cliff and saw the sea between us. I called out to you."  
"I wanted to come for you."  
"If you had done that, no Ura, no Dura, no real life."  
"I would have taken Ura as well."  
"And live like animals among the Zelandonii."  
"We would have stayed here in the Lanzadonii."  
He nodded thoughtfully. "Let's do that next time."  
"Go to sleep Durc. Dream about that life growing up in the Lanzadonii."  
"Will you tell me when you give me the drink?"  
"You know the taste. I could not hide the truth from you."  
"I hope I still remember who you and Latie are when it happens."  
"She's the one with red hair. Sweet dreams."

"Father, why don't we visit other people?"  
"They don't like us because we are different."  
"Can we change their minds?"  
"I don't think so."  
"Dalonar said he changed his mind. Is he special?"  
"I think he is."  
"That's why Jondalar changed his mind too because he is Dalonar's son."  
"Probably."  
"Maybe it is all yellow-haired people that are special. Can we go visit all the yellow-haired people and see if we can change their minds?"  
"That would be dangerous. Let's just stay here and be happy."  
"Yes, father."

"I know she is a close cousin, but there are so few people to choose from."  
"She's your sister, Jondalar."  
"No, that isn't how it works. Do you just not like her?"  
"I like her very much."  
"Then it shouldn't be a problem to co-mate."  
"She's supposed to mate Echazar."  
"The Flath… Clan boy?"  
"He is mixed like my son. Should they never be with Others?"  
"Durc has a mixed girl to mate. That's why we brought her here too."  
"What about their children? Does Echazar have to wait for their first daughter to have someone to mate?"  
"I don't know. If they want to mate a mixed person then that is their choice. Joplaya wants to mate us."  
"I don't think I would want another woman in my bed. Would you like another man?"  
She saw his jealous rage nearly burst out of him. He maintained control, barely. "Let's just try it and see if it works."  
"Okay. I think Echazar would be willing to join us."  
Jondalar's fist shot out and hit Ayla's nose before either could think of the consequences of such an action. Ayla woke with a start. It was disturbing, but as the memories of the dream replayed, she laughed quietly.  
She knew it would have been her that chose Echazar. Jonayla would have been one part in four mixed. She wondered if she could have found her Kinidar, a boy willing to mate an ugly animal. What a different life it would have been. Co-mating, on the other hand, was no mystery at all. Joplaya would have been a disaster, but Ayla craved Latie's presence in their bed. It wasn't sexual. It was just… intimacy. Something Jondalar could never provide, at least not like Latie.

"It's time," Dura said sadly.  
"What changed?" Ayla asked.  
"Three days in a row he has no idea who I am."  
"It has been a moon since he knew who Latie and I were."  
"I'm sorry I put you through that. I thought maybe he could come back, but he is lost to us."

"Durc?"  
"Yes?"  
"Are you warm enough?"  
"Is it time?"  
"I think it is."  
"Is everyone here."  
"We are all here."  
"Good. I wanted to say goodbye. I love you all."  
"We love you too."  
"Where is my drink?"  
"Right here."  
"Tastes like honey. Goodbye. I love… Ura, is that you? It has been so long I…"  
"Goodbye, my son."  
"Goodbye, father."  
"Goodbye, love of my life."

The three women rubbed the red ochre in rendered cave bear fat all over Durc's body. Tears fell as they did their work but no one said a word. They tied his legs up in the fetal position and Ayla made the motions to call the old spirits in and help guide him. Ayla knew he was already there with Ura. They began stacking the stones on top of him. Each of the many children and grandchildren placing their stone and silently motioning their final words of love. The desiccating fire was ignited and there was nothing left to do.  
The feast was eaten in a large circle. Each person taking their turn to tell a story of the man that had brought most of them together in a common purpose, a vision of a more tolerant future.  
Latie held Ayla as she sobbed through her guilt and shame. Jondalar held her hand, not knowing what else to do. As with all things, new life pushes death aside. The crying baby demanded Latie's attention, and the final goodbye drifted to the floor like a hair, shed from a body that no longer needed it. Life went back to normal. Latie moved one last time to a bed she would share until her death many years later. She never found true happiness, a true purpose in life, but she did find love in many places. Together, it was enough for her.  
The Lanzadonii prospered because the Mother spared them the killing sicknesses that swept though the many peoples of the land, including the Clan. They prospered because the animals were not just food to these people. They were friends and companions and members of the community. They prospered because they saw their own value in what they contributed, not in how it compared to others. They prospered because the birth of their community was from toolmakers. It is the ever-increasing complexity and effectiveness of tools that give us civilization. It also gives us more effective barbarism, the other side of civilization's coin.

Chapter 2: Sacrifice

"Jonayla, where is Cordran?" Jondalar asked urgently from the doorway.  
"Like I ever really cared." She responded.  
"There is a pack of wolves down in the horse field."  
"Gray!"  
She had difficulty running in the snow and her aim with the spear-thrower was worthless. The horses were running in a panic and the wolves had one of the yearlings surrounded and they were backing him to the edge of the woods. She whistled for Gray and hopped on. She rode directly into the pack and dispersed them. The yearling escaped, but now she was surrounded. Gray reared as each took their turn faking an advance while another nipped her hind legs. Gray fell, leaving Jonayla standing over her with sling in hand. One by one a stone found a head. But Jonayla had less stones than she needed. She dug desperately in the snow for more as they bit chunks of flesh from her screaming horse. She threw her self on top of a wolf that was biting at the belly. The wolf bit down on her arm but got only a mouth full of fur parka. She felt a bite on her leg and screamed. And then there was silence.  
She lay on the twitching horse, Gray's blood pumping out onto the white snow. Jondalar emerged from the darkness and picked up his daughter. "No, let me die here with her." The big man ignored her and moved as fast as he could back across the field. The remaining wolves returned and devoured the old mare.

"That was the most reckless stupid thing I have ever seen anyone do." Jondalar ranted, still shaking from his run.  
"It is the old that should sacrifice for the young."  
"Nobody had to sacrifice at all. If you had waited for us we could have saved the yearling and not risked you or Gray."  
"If Gray did not want to go she would have turned. You think they will do anything we say but they don't. Maybe if you spent any time with the horses you could have called one and joined me."  
"Enough Jonayla. Lie still while I clean these bites or you will lose this foot." Ayla said. Before Jondalar could start again she turned to him and commanded. "Make sure the other horses are safe. Go!"  
"You want to die?" Ayla asked her daughter angrily. "I can help you. I killed my other child. Why not take care of you as well? Should I boil the Datura, or should I continue healing this bite?" Jonayla looked frightened. "I thought as much. What you did was brave. I would have done the same. Your mistake was not running Gray back this way behind the yearling."  
"I wanted him to escape, not lead the wolves to the other horses."  
"But you knew we were coming. You would have brought the wolves to us."  
"I didn't think of that. I'm sorry, mother."  
"We have all lost people we love. We all want to see them again. Can you do something to make Hasorav's sacrifice worth it?"  
"I'm raising his child. What else is there to do? Oh no, I left her alone." She started to get up.  
"Lay down. She's sleeping right over there."  
"I'm lost mother. I know I should be doing more. I just have no drive, no energy."  
"Do you talk to him?"  
"Who?"  
"Hasorav."  
"He's dead, mother."  
"I talk to Iza and Creb and Durc and Uba and Marthona and Zolena all the time."  
"That's crazy."  
"No, it isn't. Talk to him. Right now. Out loud."  
"No."  
"Then I will. Greetings Hasorav. This is the old mother of your future mate. I remember that morning when you came looking for her and claimed to be her future mate. Your smile was infectious. Everyone liked you from the start. Everyone except Jondalar. He saw something in you that I didn't. You were born of Ranec's spirit, maybe one of his children's children. I loved Ranec almost as much as Jondalar. He had that big bright smile, and his eyes smiled just like yours too. I wonder if you even knew him. He made the most beautiful carvings. He carved that beautiful horse on the shelf over there. That was Whinnie, my first horse. She died a few years ago, but she was very old. I guess her daughter Gray is now with her just like her son Racer. They both had very good lives and we loved them as much as our own children. You loved the horses too.  
"I remember how angry Jondalar was when Racer came running to you instead of him. I guess he liked going faster with the smaller rider. I haven't properly thanked you for the life of my daughter. My cave lion totem is a powerful one and when she chooses you, there rarely is an escape. I still don't know why she let me live. You killed her before she could get any of our horse friends or my daughter. Your young eyes saw her in time to raise the alarm and get your spear ready to kill her. Nobody could have done that but you. You carried that old man up the steep trail and almost got taken by the flood yourself. That family traveling to the summer meeting would have just been swept to the bottom of the lake. You saved them all. You saved my daughter and the horses. You did more good in your young life than many men ever accomplish. My daughter never told me why she loves you so deeply, and maybe it is none of my business. I know I love you deeply and I look forward to talking with you when I get to that place."  
"I love him because…"  
"Don't tell me, tell him."  
"Hasorav. You gave me a beautiful daughter. You gave me true happiness for that brief time after you woke me inside with your words. I am lost without your words. I am wasting that gift you have given me. Tell me what I should do."  
"Go to the mountain and listen," Ayla said in a deep voice.  
"Don't make fun of me. You wanted me to do this."  
"I didn't say anything. I was listening to you. It was just starting to get good. You're wasting the gift… and?"  
"Funny mother. You didn't just say 'Go to the mountain?"  
"Why would I say that? All the mountains around here are ten men deep in snow."  
"Don't mess with me, mom."  
Ayla gave her a sincere look of innocence. "I swear I didn't say anything about…" Her voice pitched lowed "Our mountain" then it changed back to normal "a mountain. I think maybe you should get some rest if you are hearing things."  
"Tell me you heard that, Latie."  
"All I heard was her say mountain twice," Latie said, stamping the snow off her feet and pulling off her parka. "I wasn't really paying attention. The yearling has some bites on her left rear leg. Make me an antiseptic wash and I'll go back out. Hey Jonarav, you're full of smiles tonight." She picked up Jonayla's baby and bounced her up and down. Do you want me to feed her?"  
"I want you to tell my mother to stop doing that."  
"Doing what?" Latie asked.  
"She's saying words in a deep voice and pretending it isn't her."  
"All I said was I swear I didn't say anything about a mountain." Ayla defended.  
"I think I heard 'our mountain a mountain.'"  
"Our mountain? Why would I say that?"  
"You couldn't know about that. Nobody knew. Remember that cliff I used to run up to?"  
"The one that looks up Big River Valley."  
"Yes. I took Haso up there the day before we left for the trading mission. I told him it was my favorite place on earth. He said he understood why and that it was now his too."  
"Wait. Are you saying he just talked through your mother?" Latie shook Ayla playfully by the shoulders and yelled into her face. "Hasorav. Where did the words come from? It's driving me crazy!" Jonayla laughed while Ayla looked between the two women in confused amusement.  
"Jonayla, I heard you were hurt," Cordran said running in out of breath.  
"Where were you?"  
"I was…"  
"No one day grace period. Truth, now, or you'll be moving in with her."  
"Kotani."  
"Ewww. You prefer stumpy to this beautiful woman?" Latie said in mock surprise.  
"Better double the antiseptic wash, mother. Two horse legs need cleaning up." Jonayla said, surprisingly upbeat.  
"It's embarrassing," Ayla said in a deeper voice as she prepared the wash.  
"No." Latie said as her eyes met Jonayla's.  
"She couldn't know unless you told her."  
"Told me what?" Ayla said as she wrapped Jonayla's leg in deerskin soaked in an antiseptic wash.  
"I will be there this summer Haso." Jonayla said to the ceiling.  
"Haso? Who are you talking to?" Cordran asked stupidly.  
"My son," Latie said, bouncing the baby in her arms. "She promised to take him to the Zelandonii summer meeting."  
"Great. That one is so much better than the Lanzadonii one."  
"More women to plow through. Most with all ten fingers and toes."  
"If you wanted me as much as I wanted you…" he said defensively.  
"Your right Cordran. I don't want you. Find a new mate and place to live this summer."  
"Don't look at me," Latie said. "I am never leaving this home again. You can have another of my horses if you think it can get you back to Mammoth camp."  
"Try not to kill this one too," Jonayla said.  
"Dura said Durovan was looking for a long Journey to run. He could go with you and keep the horse alive." Ayla offered.  
"You all want me to leave?" Cordran asked, hurt.  
"You eat more than a horse does and do almost no useful work. You can't even tell that is my child in her arms and not hers. What kind of man doesn't recognize the children of his hearth?"  
"All babies look alike to me." He said dismissively.  
"Because you make sure you are always on the other side of the room from them.  
"Stay off this leg and make sure to come back tomorrow so I can check it," Ayla said, finishing up the dressing.  
"Can I stay here?" Jonayla asked.  
"Do you have cottonwood for your ears?" Latie asked with a big smile.  
Jonayla sighed "Please carry me home Cordran." He lifted her gently and carried her out.  
"Now that Jonayla is gone, tell me, did you say those things?" Latie asked.  
"Of course I did. The girl is practically suicidal." Ayla said.  
"How did you know what to say?"  
"A good mother always knows what to say."  
"She's gonna go all the way to that mountain and he won't be there."  
"He is everywhere she goes. She can't escape him. Maybe up there she will open up to the possibility."  
"I love you so much, Ayla."  
"And I love you, my co-mate. Go wash the horse leg and bring our mate in to pleasure us."  
"As you wish."

"You really want me to leave?" Cordran asked as he set her and the baby gently down on the bed.  
"I think it is for the best. I will never make you happy, and you deserve to find happiness. I am not the beautiful woman you mated so many years ago. You'll find someone who will share your passion for life."  
"I'm too ashamed to go home. They pretty much threw me out because they say I abandoned you. I'll try to find someone in Zelandonia."  
"You might try some of the older women who can't have children. Most men don't prefer that, but it might be perfect for you." He nodded. "Thank you for carrying me home."

Chapter 3: Digging

"Mother, is there really a spirit world?"  
"I believe there is, Durvalo," Dura said.  
"Will I be alone if I go there before you?"  
"No. My mother and father are waiting there with open loving arms for all of us."  
"Do I remember your father?"  
"No, you were less than two years old when he went to live with my mother in the spirit world."  
"How will they know it's me?"  
"In the spirit world, everyone knows everything. Every question you will ever have is already answered."  
"You have all the answers already. Have you been to the spirit world?"  
"I don't have all the answers."  
"Yes, you do."  
"I have no idea why night after night you lay here asking me questions instead of going to sleep."  
"That isn't a question. Why am I not like Hasorav?"  
"You aren't like anyone else."  
"Other kids say I'm mixed."  
"Everyone is mixed. Everyone is a mix of their mother and father."  
"Who was my father?"  
"He was a beautiful man. Just like you will grow up to be."  
"Women are beautiful. Men are handsome."  
"Not all women are beautiful. I'm not beautiful."  
"Are you handsome?"  
"I think I am, what do you think?"  
"I think… Jonarav is pretty."  
"She is. Her mother was the most beautiful woman in all the world. Before that, her mother was the most beautiful woman in the whole world."  
"That's your grandmother, right?"  
"Yes. She is my father's mother."  
"So that makes you one part in four most beautiful woman in the world.  
"That's right. What do you get when you add one quarter most beautiful woman in the world and a beautiful man together?"  
He thought about it "Me?"  
"That's right. You are three parts beautiful."  
"What is the other part?"  
"What do you want it to be?"  
"Handsome?"  
"That's it."  
"Do you think Jonarav will mate me?"  
"I don't know. She is only pretty and you are three parts beautiful. She might get jealous."  
"They say I am silly to think that will happen because I am mixed and she is not."  
"What does she say?"  
"I'm not going to ask her."  
"No, you wouldn't want to ask the only person that could give you the real answer."  
"What if she says no?"  
"If she is smart she will say no."  
"Why? Because I'm mixed?"  
"No. Because she should make you work really hard to get a yes."  
"Work hard? Like chop wood?"  
"That is one way."  
"Did you make my father work hard?"  
She smiled in the remembering. "I did. I made him confront his worst fears and grow up."  
"Worst fears, like Lions?"  
"Exactly like that."  
"And he did it?"  
"Yes. He did it for me, your handsome mother."  
"Will I meet him, my father?"  
"Do you want to run for an entire year?  
"A year!"  
"Go to sleep Durvalo."

"Jonarav?"  
"What do you want Durvalo?" She responded angrily.  
"Nothing."  
"Then why did you say my name?"  
"It isn't important."  
"What's not important is that jerk brother of mine."  
"What did he do now?"  
"He told my mother I tore her favorite tunic."  
"Did you?"  
"Yes, but she didn't know that."  
"Who else would wear her clothes? Condrayla is twice her size."  
"So, you're on his side?"  
"No, just pointing out the obvious… nevermind. Do you want to go to the lake with me?"  
"To do what?"  
"Swim?"  
"The water's too cold."  
"You get used to it once you get in."  
"Ask Hasorav, he likes swimming."  
"He went hunting."  
"Why didn't you go hunting? That's right, you faint when you see blood."  
"I do not. It only happened once." He turned to leave.  
"Don't be mad, I was just kidding. I don't like hunting either. I'll go to the lake with you if you help me pick berries for my mom."  
"Sure." He said, trying not to sound too excited.  
They walked up the dirt path and Durvalo struggled to find something to say. "Have you decided about the Zelandonia training?"  
"No. Mom really wants me to, but I really don't think it's for me. It's not like she ever wanted to do it."  
"What do you want to do?"  
"I just want to be a mother. She says that's the most important job, I don't see why I have to do other things. I can make clothes and cook, what else is there to know? A bunch of songs, plants to heal people, ceremonies to perform? That would just steal time from raising my children."  
"I think you will be a great mother."  
"Certainly better than mine. Spending all that time on that mountain waiting for a ghost."  
"A ghost?"  
"Not important. I'm just glad I get to grow up here and not the Ninth cave. They all think they're better than us."  
"I don't like going there. So… have you picked out a father for all these children you are going to have?"  
Jonarav stopped and looked at him. He avoided her eyes. "You want to be the father, don't you?"  
"No… I mean, I know you wouldn't, I was just curious if you…" He started walking again. She ran and caught up to him. She took his hand and stopped him. "I know you like me, why do you pretend you don't?" He shrugged and looked down at the ground, his heart beating hard at the touch of her hand on his. "Tell me what you like about me." She said finally, turning to continue walking but not letting go of his hand.  
"I… uh… don't know."  
"Do you like my light red hair?"  
"Yes."  
"Do you like my brown eyes?"  
"They're green."  
"Just wondering if you knew that. Do you like them?"  
"Yes."  
"You are really bad at this. Didn't your Donnii woman teach you to flatter girls?"  
"I didn't, I mean no one, I mean… it isn't important. I should go." He pulled away from her and ran up the path.  
He was sitting brooding at the edge of the lake when she got there. She sat down next to him. "It's not easy for you, is it?" He didn't reply. "I always wished I was mixed."  
"No, you don't. Nobody does."  
"Really, I did. Everyone would talk about how beautiful my mother used to be. I would wonder how long it would take for them to say that about me. I would rather they never said it about me in the first place." She elbowed him. "This is where you tell me I will always be the most beautiful girl."  
"You are."  
"I know, it's a curse. You know who I think is the most beautiful? Your mother."  
"Why are you teasing me?" He whined.  
"I'm not. You see Durvalo, beauty is not always in the way something looks. The eyes can look at a thing and see beauty, or the lack of beauty. Like that eagle flying way up there. So beautiful, so graceful. If you ever see one up close, they are ugly. Weird eyes and long jerking necks. Big ugly feet. Then you look at a fish, the ugliest animal the Mother ever made, but cook it just right and it is more delicious than mammoth tenderloin. There are many beautiful stones, but they have no value beyond decoration. Flint is about the ugliest stone, but it is the most useful. There is a more important beauty in what makes up the thing than the thing itself."  
"You sound like a Zelandoni. Lots of words that don't say anything I understand."  
"I'll take that as a compliment. I guess what I am trying to say is that I see the beauty in the value, not the look. Your mom is the strongest woman I have ever met. That is the most beautiful thing to me."  
"Strength?"  
"She isn't tentative, she doesn't equivocate, she has the confidence of someone who has seen the entire world."  
"She has, pretty much."  
"I know that. I was never afraid when I was with her because I knew she would protect me because she has a deep understanding of the world. That is a strength. I never felt that with my mother. People have told me she was strong before my father died, but I can't believe that. She was so over-protective, and so often afraid something bad would happen to me. I would look at your mother and wish I was her daughter instead. Confidence is attractive to me."  
"You are always confident."  
"You are too, with some things. Not with me. Why?"  
"Because…"  
"We have been friends since we were babies. Why do you treat me so different now?"  
"You're a woman now."  
"So? We can't still be friends?"  
"I want to be… nevermind."  
"More than friends?" He shrugged. "And you think I wouldn't want that, so you avoid the subject. Why did you invite me up here?"  
"I was bored."  
"I'm glad I could help you with your boredom. Is that the only reason? Did you maybe want to ask me something?"  
"I wanted to kiss you. There, are you happy now that I made a fool of myself." He got up and ran into the shallow water and dove into the lake. He swam hard until his muscles burned. He slowed but was afraid to turn and look back. Then he heard her swimming strokes approach.  
"Beat me to the other side and I'll let you kiss me." She said laughing as she went by him with ease. He knew he could never beat her, but he sped up and tried all the same. Near the other shore, she slowed just enough to let him think he had a chance, then stood up and laughed. "Too slow, you lose." He knelt on hands and knees trying to catch his breath. "Wow, you must have really, really wanted it to swim that hard. Time for you to help me pick berries, loser."  
They walked along the shore back to the other side. She picked up her collecting basket and led the way to the blackberry bushes. He picked the berries, turning to put them in her basket, stealing glances at her every time. When they picked it clean they moved to another bush further down the path.  
"I think that's enough." She said, handing him the heavy basket to carry back. "Thank you for your help, Durvalo." She stepped closer and put her hands on his face and leaned in to kiss him. She pulled away and smiled, then headed down the path. He stood there stunned, having almost dropped the basket.

"Mom?"  
"Yes, Durvalo?"  
"Are there other kinds of beauty?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I wish I knew. Can something ugly be beautiful?"  
"Those are kind of opposites."  
"But what some people find beautiful, others find ugly," Kinidar said. "I know your mother is the most beautiful woman in all the world, and I have seen a lot of it, so I know."  
"Are you saying other people think I'm ugly?" Dura said with a mocking hurtful tone.  
"No one has ever said that to me and lived, that's for sure." He said with as much menace in his voice as he could muster. Everyone laughed at the mild-mannered man trying to sound tough.  
"Why do you ask, Durvalo?"  
"Jonarav said she thought your strength, your confidence, was beautiful."  
"That was nice of her to say."  
"Does the physical not matter?"  
"It never mattered to your father," Dura said, meaning both the man having a meal with them, as well as the man that started Durvalo's life within her.  
"I loved the way she ran. It was so graceful and confident, it was beautiful." Kinidar added.  
"Why did Jonarav say that about me?" Dura asked.  
"I don't know. She said a lot of things that didn't make sense. Then she kissed me."  
"No way!" His older brother said in disbelief.  
"I think she feels sorry for me."  
"We all do little brother."  
"Don't be a jerk," Dura said. "Did you kiss her back?"  
"I was just trying not to drop the berries." He had to explain that to them.

"Dura, what brings you down here so late?" Ayla asked, getting ready to turn in for the night.  
"I need some advice."  
"Wow. I don't think you have needed that since you ran off on your world tour. Would you like some tea?"  
"No, thank you." She glanced over at the occupied beds and Ayla realized she wanted some privacy.  
"Why don't we go outside for some fresh air?" She took her arm and they headed out into the warm night air.  
Dura did not waste time getting to the point. "Not that Jonayla ever treated me badly, but is there a chance her daughter is trying to hurt Durvalo?"  
"Jonarav?" Ayla thought about it and shook her head. "Did she say something mean?"  
"She kissed him."  
"And you interpret that as hurtful?"  
"We live together, but we know we are not to mix. If she is just teasing him it could really hurt him. He's much more sensitive than other boys."  
"I can talk to her and find out. I just can't imagine she would intentionally hurt him. They've grown up together. Maybe they don't see the differences our generation does."  
"As much as I would hope for that, I will not believe it until I see it."  
"You asked for advice, what exactly do you want?"  
"Do I tell my son to protect himself, or be open to the possibility of romantic feelings?"  
"My advice would be to stand back and be there to pick up the pieces. They need to figure this out on their own. Jonarav is a lot like… you never met her father. He was something special. Imagine a thirteen-year-old boy standing up to Jondalar with the poise and confidence of a grown man. She has the same confident sense of herself. You have that same quality come to think of it. She was not the least bit timid in her first rites. I could see him not being quite ready to handle her even though he is a few moons older. Do you want me to talk to her?"  
"I've never had to be protective of any of my children. Durvalo seems to be sliding toward his father's demeanor. I shouldn't coddle him. I think you are right, we should just stand back. Thank you for talking this through with me."  
"How is Kinidar's cough?"  
"Much better. The winters are getting to him. If I could, I would take him back to the land of no winter."  
"Wouldn't that be nice. Be careful walking home." Dura ran off into the darkness.  
Ayla went inside and noticed Jonarav looking at her. "You're not asleep." Ayla motioned. She shook her head. "You were listening at the door?" She nodded. "Do you want to talk about it?" She shrugged. Ayla sighed, wishing only to crawl in next to her sleeping co-mates. She walked over and sat next to the bed frame so she could talk with her granddaughter quietly.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Just curious."  
"Why him?"  
"Last year, before first rites, mother told me she chose Echazar, and she said that was one of the best decisions of her life. I didn't get to choose as she did, but I wondered what a… mixed one would feel like."  
"She didn't explain why she chose him?"  
"Maybe, but I don't always listen."  
"He is a very tender, gentle, giving man. He knows how to… worship a woman."  
"I think Durvalo would be like that, don't you?"  
"Maybe. He's young, he may not be ready for what you are planning."  
"Are you against… mixing?"  
"No. Dura's mixed father was my son."  
"So, you chose to be with a Clan man?"  
"No. I was forced. But I am not against it."  
"But you haven't since then."  
"No, I haven't. Jondalar is very possessive."  
"You have to share, but he doesn't?"  
"I'm sorry you've grown up here with that impression of us. I grew up with the Clan, it was all I knew. Had I come here alone, I would have been most attracted to Echazar because he was what was most familiar to me. Given the opportunity, I would share his furs without hesitation because I know exactly who he is. Jondalar would not want to share me with any man, but I think it would be worse if it was someone mixed. He grew up very differently than we did. As for Latie, she is there because I want her there. I don't share him. He shares me."  
"Oh. Isn't it weird that she was with your son?"  
"Probably, but we don't choose who we love. We choose who we give our time to."  
"You said he might be too young. Should I stay away from Durvalo?"  
"You heard what we said outside. It is your lives to do what you wish. Don't let us old folk get in your way."  
"I won't hurt him. I promise."  
"We don't always intend hurt, but it is often the result of things beyond our control. Go to sleep now and leave tomorrow for tomorrow."

"I need to dig roots, do you want to help me Durvalo?" He hated that, and she knew it.  
"Sure." He said, thrilled that there might be another kiss coming his way. "Let me get my mother's tools." He ran up to his dwelling. "I'm going to dig roots with Jonarav, can I borrow your tools?"  
"Really?" She asked, leading him to the back to get what he needed. "I thought you hated that?"  
"I'll do anything for her."  
"And she knows it. Good luck."  
They went down into the field and across to the dense undergrowth. "You told your mom?"  
"Told her what?"  
"What happened yesterday."  
"Well, yes. I didn't understand a lot of what you were saying, so I asked her about it."  
"Did she disagree?"  
"Not really. Kinidar gave some examples that seemed to agree with you."  
"Why don't you call him your father?"  
"He's the man of my hearth, but he did not start me."  
"That's why you look different than your brothers."  
"I think we all look different."  
"You do, but you and your sister the most. Who is your father?"  
"I don't know him. He lives very far to the east."  
"Mamutoi?"  
"No, Sharamudoi. They make enormous boats that go on the great mother river."  
"Do you think you will travel to meet him?  
"No."  
"Why?"  
"Mother says his people would not accept me."  
"Because you're mixed." He shrugged. "You're lucky you grew up here then."  
"I guess."  
"Is there anything you want to ask me?"  
"I don't know."  
"Are you still afraid of me?"  
"Not afraid."  
"Then ask me."  
"Ask you what?"  
"What you want to ask me." He finished digging up several roots, trying to figure out the best way to ask it. "Tell me you weren't up all night wondering why."  
"Why did you?"  
"Because I wanted to. Didn't you?"  
"I told you I did."  
"And then you ran away from me. Too bad you aren't a better swimmer."  
"Why?"  
"Because I would have let you kiss me instead of me kissing you."  
"What's the difference?"  
"You've never kissed anyone before, have you?"  
"No."  
"You want to kiss me again?"  
"Yes."  
"Is that why you are digging roots while I sit here and do nothing but ask you questions?"  
"Yes."  
"How many roots per kiss?"  
"Huh?"  
"Do you want a kiss for every root or one kiss for the whole basket?"  
"Are you a kiss trademaster now?"  
"I guess I am. What do you think is fair?"  
"One for the whole basket."  
"You only want one kiss?"  
"No."  
"Then what do you really want?"  
Another long silence as he dug a long series of roots. The basket was almost half full. "I want you to want me to kiss you."  
She was quiet for a while as she thought about that. "Because you think I don't want to?" He shrugged and moved further away to start a new section. She watched him dig and dig, a visual representation of his desire for her. "You know why a lot of us won't do it?"  
"Because we're ugly."  
"No. It's because once you do it, once you cross over and everyone knows it, nobody wants to be with you. That's what we are afraid of."  
"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."  
"You told your parents and your brother was probably there, right?"  
"Sorry. Nobody would believe him anyway. He didn't believe me. I'm not sure I believe it happened."  
"He's just jealous because he is ugly, you aren't." That made Durvalo stop and look at her. He expected a sarcastic look but she just smiled. What did 'not ugly' mean, he wondered? "Hurry up. I want to go swimming."  
"It would go faster if you helped."  
"It would, but if I put one root in that basket, you don't get your kiss. Is that what you want?" She started to get up.  
"No no no, that's okay. I'll do it." He finished up and carried the basket for her all the way back to the mammoth hearth where they were preparing for the feast that evening. It was the beginning of their summer meeting, which was more a convergence of all the people on the main cave settlement. She took the basket from him before they went in and told him to wait outside. He knew she was taking credit for his work, but he didn't care. All he cared about was getting his kiss.  
When she came out he looked at her expectantly. "I'm sorry, I'm too tired to swim and they want me to help with the preparations. I'll see you tonight at the feast?" It seemed like she took delight in his disappointment. He had never seen this side of her. He went from the high of 'not ugly' to a low of 'see you tonight'. "Something you want to say?"  
"No, I guess not."  
"You think I owe you something?" He shrugged. "Did we agree on when it would happen? Could be tonight, could be next year. You need to be more specific with your trading. Thank you for helping me today." She turned and went back in. He went home immediately and wanted to tell his mother, but instead just dropped the tools off and headed up to the lake. There many other young people there from the other caves. He knew most of them and they had fun playing, which took his mind off his troubles.

Chapter 4: Kissing

"Greetings Durvalo of the second cave of the Lanzadonii." He grasped her outreaching hands gently.  
"Greetings Jonarav of the first cave of the Lanzadonii. That tunic is incredible. I've never seen such a beautiful arrangement of beads."  
"Thank you, I'm glad you like it. I made it myself last winter. It's Sharamadoi." He thought she was teasing him again. "My grandmother described it to me, and I think I made it even better with my own variations." They have a yellow leather from a special kind of mountain goat native to their area. I prefer to wear deerskin, especially in summer."  
He was still trying to figure out the coincidence of it all, thrown off by the cacophony of noise around the crowded ceremonial fire. Her smile told him it was more than coincidence. "You knew about my father before you asked me."  
"When you live at the mammoth hearth, you overhear all kinds of interesting things."  
"Why?"  
"Because you're my best friend." She pulled his hands in a way that pulled his face down to hers. She kissed him and waited for him to respond before letting go of his hands and moving hers to his back. She could feel the eyes of others around them drawn to the unspoken taboo. Her lips began to teach him what she wanted, and his hands finally found her back. When they finally parted, her hands moved to his face. "Was that a fair trade for the roots, Durvalo?" He was speechless. "No, you think you deserve more? Fine." She kissed him again, her hands going to the back of his neck. They parted again when they heard the music starting. She took his hand and pulled him through the crowd toward the musicians. "Dance with me!" She yelled.  
"I don't know how," he said as she began moving and pulling him with her.

"That was an interesting display," Dura said to Ayla as they prepared for the first ceremonies.  
"I guess we don't have to worry about her intentions."  
"He was upset when he came home this afternoon. I thought for sure she had broken his heart."  
"Could still happen, but perhaps it was worth it."  
"He dances worse than Kinidar. I didn't think that was possible."  
When Ayla gave the signal, the music changed to a mix of Zelandonii and Clan rhythms.  
"The land of Donii is honored by the two great peoples of this earth. We live in harmony and work together for mutual wealth and prosperity. Each of us has our strengths and our weaknesses and we compliment each other with these differences. We ask Donii and the Spirit of the Cave Bear to join us in honoring everything we do to serve them." The spirit dance began, synchronized bodies moving faster and faster around the fire as the rhythms led them into a frenzied run. Jonarav had a rapturous expression as she moved around the fire with the others, finding Durvalo's eyes each time around. He knew she wished he was able to join her in the ring and he decided he would learn before the next summer meeting. They all came to an abrupt halt and silence reigned.  
Shadows of a giant woman and cave bear appeared on the enormous face of the rock on the east side of the gathering area. Ayla began her version of the mother's song. Dura stood on a platform and wordlessly did her version in broad hand and body motions, welcoming all the old spirits to join if they were moved to do so.  
The rhythms began again slowly and the dancers moved in opposite directions weaving in and out of each other, slapping each other's hands as they passed. Everyone slowly added their own clapping with those around them, a joyous exchange of syncopated energy.  
"We are the Lanzadonii. We are equal, we are unique, we are one, we are all." The crowd repeated this many times. "We are as strong as our weakest member and we stronger than all of us combined. Our strength is in our love for each other, our drive to serve each other, our need to be better than we were, our desire to know who we are. We are equal, we are unique, we are one, we are all. We are the Lanzadonii!" Loud cheers went up from everyone.  
After a day of fasting, all were happy that the ceremony had ended and the food could be served. Each of the elders either had young helpers to bring them to the front of the line, or they were brought platters to where they sat comfortably watching the festivities. The mothers of the young were next and then cooperation of all got small portions of the food quickly dispersed. All were consuming throughout the evening of talking and dancing and laughing and sharing remembrance for those no longer with them.  
Though there were a few small groups of unmixed people of the old Zelandonii, most of the rest who worked and lived with each other daily mingled and reveled in their continued good fortunes. It was the extensive physical contact that remained the hidden stratification. Jonarav remained front and center with her continued affection for Durvalo. It was the whispered talk among many, but the newness of it dissipated for most as they turned to more important subjects.

"What are you doing Jonarav?" Hasorav asked his half-sister quietly as he poured her cold water from a bag.  
"I have no idea what you mean, and I don't want to know what you mean."  
"Everyone is talking."  
"Good." She waved thanks and went back to Durvalo and shared her cup with him.  
"Why are you doing this?" Durvalo asked again. "You better not expect me to be digging roots for the rest of the summer."  
She laughed joyfully. "You will dig every root I ask you to, won't you?"  
He shrugged and then smiled. "Probably."  
"You're a fast learner. You picked up dancing quickly. Your kissing gets better every time." She kissed him again. She looked up and ran her finger along his brow ridges. "You have no idea how handsome you are, do you?"  
"You've been drinking barma, haven't you?"  
"Not a drop. Remember last year when you brought those spear shafts to the mammoth hearth to straighten?"  
"It was just an excuse to see you."  
"I know. I watched you while I was working my skins. It took you forever to straighten one shaft because you kept looking over at me."  
"You were just smiling the whole time."  
"I was smiling because I could tell you were looking at me. Then Taldor came over and was talking to you and I could look at you without you knowing."  
"You did? He was so annoying, I just wanted him to leave."  
She put her hand on his cheek. "I'm glad he didn't. It gave me time to see the beauty in your face. I had never looked at you that way before. I can't look at you any other way now. That's why I started making this tunic."  
"Why didn't you say anything?"  
"And make it easy for you? You want the buffalo to run up to you, point at its chest and say 'spear me right here Durvalo'?"  
"I would really like that. Even better would be if they just fell down dead into cut up and dried meat so I don't have to see or touch the blood."  
She laughed. "No more freebies. Do you remember what I said I was attracted to?"  
"Confidence."  
"I better see it in your eyes our you will lose me. Do you understand?"  
"I think so."  
"Do you understand?" She asked more loudly.  
He smiled and pulled her into a kiss. "That's my Durvalo. Thank you for a wonderful day." She spun out of his arms and danced across the gathering to the mammoth hearth.

"That looked like more than curiosity," Ayla said the next morning.  
"It is my way of continuing the fight that you started. I'm sick of pretending they are the same and not being allowed to treat them the same. It doesn't hurt that he is a really good kisser."  
"So you really like him?"  
"Crossing over doesn't mean anything. Several have done that. It's the going back. We'll see if I'm rejected by the purebloods."  
"Purebloods?"  
"That what they call themselves."  
"You're not going to put on the same display with someone else tonight."  
"That is exactly what I am going to do."  
"No Jonarav, you don't realize how much that will hurt Durvalo."  
"It won't hurt him a bit."  
"You are playing with fire. Please slow down and think."  
"I have been thinking about this since the smug pureblood jerk shoved his little thing in me last year."

"Swimming?" Jonarav asked Durvalo.  
"What chore do I have to do first?"  
"Talking as we walk there?"  
"I can do that."  
"Still don't trust me?"  
"No, just didn't want to have to run back for tools."  
"Good. Do you get jealous?"  
"I don't know. Why?"  
"Because I am going to kiss Lobanic tonight like I kissed you last night."  
Durvalo stopped. "Why?"  
"The separation needs to stop. Don't you agree?"  
"It isn't our choice."  
"Right. So tonight, I am going to kiss Lobanic and you are going to kiss Janissa."  
"She wants to?"  
"Yes."  
"Why?"  
"Because the separation needs to stop."  
"And changing who we kiss will fix that?"  
"It will show them we don't see a difference."  
"I don't think it will work, but I will do whatever you ask me to do."  
"Stand on one leg." He stopped walking and lifted his leg. "Hop the rest of the way to the lake." He smiled and started hopping. "Stop. Kiss me." He took her in his arms and kissed her passionately. "Better every time."  
There were dozens of people at the lake including Janissa and Lobanic.  
"So?" Janissa asked.  
"He's all yours for tonight."  
"Really?" She asked Durvalo. He nodded. She stepped up to him and kissed him. Tentatively at first, and then really got into. "You're right, great kisser. Want to swim?" He nodded and followed her into the water. They swam out a ways, and then just floated in the sun.  
"I understand why she wants to do this. Why do you?"  
"I'm seeing Ruchevan secretly. I'm tired of sneaking around. But if we go public and it doesn't work out, my options become really limited."  
"The same may happen from being public with me."  
"No. We're all in on it."  
"All?"  
"Most of us. Jonarav is just the bravest. She said if we start with her and then grow every night, by the end nobody will know what is right and what is wrong. A lot of it is pressure from parents."  
"What do you mean, grow every night?"  
"Tonight it will be the four of us, then tomorrow it will be eight."  
"How long will this go on?"  
"All summer meeting."  
"So we just keep switching who we kiss? When do I kiss Jonarav again?"  
"Ask her. You can kiss her and me every night if you want."  
"When do you kiss Ruchevan?"  
"A couple of days probably. Only these first days are planned."  
"Who do I kiss tomorrow?"  
"I think Akulia won third night."  
"Won?"  
"Everyone wanted you first."  
"Why? I'm the least ugly?"  
"You are way better looking than Lobanic. Jonarav said just kissing would make it less complicated, but if you want to do more…" She pulled his hand to her breast.

"Jonarav, why didn't you include me in this big plan from the start?" Durvalo asked.  
"Most of it is fake. I didn't want you to think that is the way it was with us. I wanted to know how you really felt about me."  
"What if it becomes real with someone else? Janissa said I could do more than kiss with her."  
"Go ahead if you think she'll be better than waiting for me."  
"How many baskets of roots will I have to dig up for that?"  
"Oh, something much harder for you than roots."  
"Blood?" He gulped.  
"Maybe."  
"I hope this works."  
"It will. Trust me."

"I see what they are doing," Dura said. "They are changing the unwritten rules by pretending they don't exist."  
"I wonder if it will work," Joplaya asked no one in particular.  
Ayla looked at the five mixed couples flagrantly kissing and dancing provocatively.  
"So, she isn't interested in Durvalo?" Jondalar asked.  
"Who knows. Are you against it?" Ayla asked.  
"I honestly don't care anymore."  
"I wonder if that's true. I think they need our support." Ayla looked at Joplaya, who instantly understood and nodded.  
Ayla walked around the fire to Echazar and pulled him aside. She began explaining what the kids were doing.  
"What is she doing?" Jondalar asked.  
"She's going to kiss my mate if he lets her."  
Jondalar felt the jealous rage bubble up when he looked their way and Joplaya signaled 'Yes' to him.  
Joplaya turned to Jondalar. "Are you going to go beat him senseless or kiss me?"  
He was torn, knowing he would never hit Echazar. "It is a different world we live in." He picked the tiny woman up and kissed her.  
"Go ahead," Kinidar said when she looked at him. Soon Dura was kissing a good friend of theirs.  
Word began to spread and most everyone found an unusual partner to kiss. Some were just simple kisses. Others let everything go. There were some appalled by the display and left the meeting, some actually packing up and heading for their home cave.  
"Thank you Echazar. Joplaya is such a lucky woman."  
"I am the lucky one, Lanzadonii." He kissed her again. "I'm glad I did not have to die wondering what kissing you was like."  
"Even better that Jondalar didn't kill you for it." He smiled and nodded, looking over at his mate in Jondalar's arms.  
A woman from the third cave tapped on Ayla's shoulder and asked. "Are you done with him Lanzadoni?"  
She looked to Echazar, who began tenderly kissing her. "I always wondered. You've been so kind and generous all these years. If Joplaya ever throws you out, you are welcome in my furs anytime. Did you plan this Lanzadoni?"  
"I'm afraid I knew nothing about it until tonight. My granddaughter appears to be the master planner."  
Ayla wandered over to Jonarav who was kissing an older mixed man from Tragar of the Anduzans named Torg. She hadn't noticed all that had been going on. "Sorry for interrupting, but it seems your little plan has worked."  
They looked around and smiled. They gave each other a parting kiss and began talking with the other participants.  
"A mother festival with just kissing. What a novel idea."

Chapter 5: The Black Void

"I know you love me Kinidar. No man would have waited so long and endured so much to be with me. What I am asking is, was it worth it?"  
"I may have run just as far if I had stayed home. That would have been on familiar paths seeing the same things over and over and over. I could have kept us secret and other women would have been more open to possibly mating me. I probably would have mated a woman that my mother approved of and lived near her for the rest of my life. My children would have been normal, low status, probably lazy and stupid like me.  
"I never would have seen the other side of the world. The striped horses. The giant lizards. The fast lion. The stretch neck horses. The gray mammoths. I would not have had sex with every size and shape woman in the Jamanar tribe in every way they could imagine. I never would have met and lived with the real Clan. I never would have met Latie and the Mamutoi. I never would have learned to speak three or four words in five different languages. I was never good at that. I would have been lost here if the Lanzadonii spoke a language I didn't already know.  
"Yeah. I think the boring life would have been better. You aren't the most beautiful woman I could have mated. I look at Jonayla and see just how quickly beauty can fade when you die inside. You are almost unchanged from the day I met you. A little taller, a little less skinny. A little smarter. The older men talk about not getting stiff as they get older unless they found a younger partner. I have never once looked at your naked body and not been full of desire. From that first time to just now I have never felt more loved and satisfied than in your arms. Maybe the two are related because nothing excites me more than how I make you feel.  
"All the problems with having mixed children are nothing compared to the joys of having children that love running, love working, love playing, love being alive. It is only because of you that I have that. It is because of you my mother's final years were happy ones. It is because of you this community thrives. It is because of you I have something in my past that others want to hear about. It is because of you I am still walking this earth, running this earth, enjoying every moment of my life. Yes Dura, everything I did to follow you on all your life's adventures was worth it."  
"That's nice to hear. I really just wanted to know if climbing the mountain to have sex was worth it. I'm freezing." Kinidar looked at her confused, but then she smiled and he knew life could not have been better with anyone else. They walked down the mountain path carefully and made love again half- way down.  
"That was really mean what you said about Jonayla," Dura said.  
"Have you seen her? Am I wrong?"  
"No. But it was mean. Have I really not changed?"  
"I think your big toe has a little more curve to it than it used to. That's probably from running around the whole world.  
"My big toe?"  
"I'll show you later when I rub your feet."  
"I'm not going to put you in my mouth every time you do that you know."  
"You keep saying that, yet it keeps happening."  
"Thank you for going on this Journey with me my love. You aren't the best lover, but you are the only one I would ever run home to."  
"Wait. Not the best? Seriously? Is it because it is bent? You caused that when we…"

"It is your heart Jondalar. It is no longer working as it should." Ayla said tearfully.  
"Medicine?" he whispered through dry lips.  
"I have tried all. This has given you some time to wake and talk."  
"To say goodbye." He realized with tears in his eyes. She nodded, her tears falling onto his chest. The last thing he remembered was loading flint nodules onto a travois. "It has been a good life. Because of you, it has been a good life."  
"Because of you, it has been great." She replied, kissing his mouth.  
"See you…" His eyes went wide and his body tensed. Then he was gone.  
"Soon." Ayla completed. Latie had gone almost as suddenly only two moons earlier. He had been inside her and felt her go completely limp. Ayla was right there and she felt for a pulse. There had been none. She knew her time was near as well, losing all of her will to prolong the pain of old age.  
She continued on with her caring and her teaching, not wasting any time thinking about all she had lost. Jonayla had moved back to the Ninth cave permanently to be close to her mountain top.

"Wolf? You're here. How did you find me? Whinnie, my best friend. She heard that distinctive build-up to a roar. "Baby! You are here too?" He knocked her down and wrapped his paws around her. Wolf sniffed her and licked her face.  
"Ayla, your time grows near."  
"Creb? Is it not my time already?"  
"No, my daughter. We came to say goodbye."  
"Oh, Iza, how I have missed you."  
"You have made me proud, my daughter. You have convinced the Others that we are not animals."  
"You gave us a chance to survive in the stories. As long as they are retold, the memories will be passed on."  
"Thank you for protecting my son Brun."  
"He saved us all. I hated him for it. My own son. I didn't understand. I hope you will forgive me."  
"I do Broud. You gave him to me, and in him a reason to live and fight and survive."  
"Mother, this is my mate Ura."  
"This woman is grateful for the gift of Durc."  
"This woman of the Others is grateful for guiding him to me safely."  
"You are the daughter of my hearth, and my heart." Creb motioned. "You helped me understand the final step in the Clan's evolution. We did our part, but there is always something better. Our reward is here in the world of spirits. It is where our memories have always been and always will be. Come meet everyone that has touched your life in some way. This is my mother, the medicine woman that gave birth to and trained Iza to protect all life, even a girl of the Others scratched and left to die by the great cave lion."  
Ayla spent what seemed like years getting to know all the progenitors that led to Brun's Clan taking in and nurturing one that did not belong. She saw Uba again and caught up on her life. She met the son Durc left behind. She met all of Durc's childhood friends that had helped him build a prosperous Clan cave. The hunter she saved from the bear, the girl she saved from drowning, the boy who would have been eaten by hyenas. When she was done, she felt no need for more time with them. Every question had been answered, every story told. She bid them all farewell, and Iza walked her back to the world.  
"Can I come back, mother?"  
"No, but we will always be right up here in your memories. It is time for you to go find your own people. Goodbye, my daughter."  
"Goodbye, Iza."  
Ayla woke, arms extended surrounding a small woman who was no longer there.  
"Lanzadoni, you are awake. We did not expect you to wake again." Ayla looked around at her students. She was unable to move. "You fell on the floor and shook." Seizure. "Your eyes do not change with light." Bleeding in the brain. How long, she wanted to ask. "You have been sleeping for almost a quarter moon."  
I should have died within hours. Iza and Creb kept me alive so I could see them before I left. She smiled, but only one side of her mouth curled up. She closed her eyes and waited.  
It was the black void. No, this cannot be the end. Why would the Mother give the Clan a place of eternal life and remembrance, and not give the same to the Others?  
"Jondalar?" she asked the void. She only heard the fading echo of her own voice. She tried louder and louder with no result.  
"Please Great Earth Mother, tell me why this is the place you have sent me. Is it because I drank the forbidden root at the ceremony, then again with Mamut and Zelandoni? This is the place where the root takes us. There is no escape without someone who loves us to bring us back. The root is temporary death. But I cannot go back. My body is gone. All that love me enough to bring me back are gone. All of eternity I have the memories of my life, plus what the Clan has just given me, and no one to share it with. The Great Earth Mother is here. I can share it with her. She already knows it all. What is the point of sharing what we already know?"  
Ayla felt the panic rising. She fought to reason through this. "Repetition is memory. The mother wants me to repeat it so it will never be forgotten. Where do I start? The Mother's song. 'Out of the darkness, the chaos of time.'" She continued to recite it until the verse 'The dark empty void' passed her lips. "That is where I am." She realized out loud. "Am I the Great Mother Earth?"  
As she continued reciting, the void began to lighten. She began to see the creation of the universe unfold as if propelled by her words. 'to share life with woman, She created first Man' Jondalar appeared in front of her. He cupped her face in his hand.  
"I knew you would figure it out. Finish it so we can all go home."  
She did and once the final line was read the two found themselves on a broad green plain. She turned around but it was the same in every direction. "Where are we?" She asked "This is you, Ayla. You are the Great Mother Earth. It is a fresh start. What will you make of it?"  
She thought about it. "Why so many opposing forces? Predator and prey. Night and day. Clan and Other?"  
"Which one would you keep? Night or day?"  
"Day"  
"Good choice. Clan or Other?"  
"Other." She said with slow acceptance.  
"The Clan never existed. What next, predator or prey?"  
"Prey."  
"The Others are predators, so now they never existed. A world of grass and grass eaters." They were suddenly surrounded by thousands of grazing animals. "What else would you like?"  
"Are you Jondalar?"  
"No, I am First Man."  
"Where is Jondalar?"  
"He is still in the void because he doesn't know the mother's song is the key and he doesn't know all the words anyway."  
"Bring him here now."  
"Done. Predators are reintroduced." Suddenly all the grazing animals scattered in panic as dozens of lions and wolves chased them.  
Ayla watched the carnage in horror. Then Jondalar was there looking confused and afraid. A massive cave lion jumped on him and she heard him scream from inside the tall grass. She tried to run to him but as she moved, so did the earth. She stopped.  
"This is another test. It is our arrogance that makes us believe we know better than the Mother."  
"Very smart. Will you accept it as She made it, or would you change anything?"  
"Hyenas."  
"Eliminate them?"  
"No, make them grass eaters." She smiled.  
"Anything else?"  
"Make horse meat taste bad to the Others."  
"Good one."  
"Will I meet her, the Great Earth Mother?"  
"You are her. I thought you understood that. We all are."  
"Is this how you reveal all her secrets?"  
"It is one way."  
"When will I see the ones I lost?"  
"Impatience. Such a human trait."  
"Human?"  
"The Others. The Mother calls them Humans."  
"I was Human? What was Clan?"  
"Human. If they can make children together, they are the same."  
"Why are they so different?  
"They have been here for millions of years, unchanging because they found their perfect place in the world. The Mother likes to try different things, it keeps her from getting bored. Like Jondalar's spear thrower. You try many different things, and then you keep the best ones. Your kind of human has been changing and changing, trying to be better and often failing. She finally found just the right combination that could thrive almost anywhere in her many varied places."  
"We were so successful that we displaced all the others."  
"Not yet, but it looks like you will."  
"You don't know the future?"  
"We can make pretty good guesses. We've been doing this for a while. Not just here. Many of the stars you see in the sky have Earth's spinning around them with completely different things being tried. Some day your children will meet their children. That is when the Mother will really be happy."  
"Is my Jondalar in the void? I don't want him to be scared."  
"He was in the void, just like you were. Every one of your kind goes there first."  
"Why? Why don't we go to the Clan place?"  
"Because you don't have the memories. That is one of the trade-offs. No memories, but the ability to create almost infinite levels of abstraction."  
"What is abstraction?"  
"You hold up your thumb, what does that mean?"  
"It could mean many things. It could be a counting word or a signal to chase the animal you are hunting or pointing upward to the sky or…"  
"Exactly. You take something, you give it a name, thumb, and then you as a group decide to attach other meanings to it in order to communicate. This means hello in Clan. That is all it will ever mean to the Clan. It is in their memories. You can teach a human for it to mean hello, or you can change it mean anything else. That is an abstraction, assigning a common meaning to an object to more easily communicate that meaning."  
"Like words. They are made up of sounds all of which are used in different ways in different words."  
"That is a much better way to explain it. I think you will take over this process."  
"What will you do?"  
"I did a lot of really good work with lizards. Then that meteor came along and, what a mess. I'd like to see what I can do with them on the new planet in the Orion cluster."  
"Do I need to learn everything before I see my Jondalar?"  
"Not everything. I think you might want to catch up with them first, so you can understand. They have been here for years."  
"He is with Latie?"  
"He is with everyone."  
"Can they teach me?"  
"Ahhh. You are just full of innovations."  
Latie appeared. She was younger and thinner as when she first came to the Zelandonia with Dura, and then Durc. She stepped forward and hugged Ayla. She didn't speak but suddenly Ayla could feel everything she was feeling and think everything she was thinking. It was overwhelming at first and then something just clicked.  
"That is how you made me feel," Latie said without words. "That is the feeling of true love. I am glad you are back here with us finally."  
She disappeared and the Jondalar that she knew in her valley appeared. Everything poured out of him and it was so foreign. It was the masculine drives and fears and hopes and more fears.  
"Oh, Jondalar. I thought I understood. You never told me this."  
"There were no words for it. I can tell it is too much for you. Stay here with him. Take your time. We aren't going anywhere."  
He started to fade.  
"Wait. I need to tell you something."  
"I already know all, my love." And he was gone.  
She turned to the instructor and it had changed into Creb. "We take the form of who would make you most comfortable when you arrive. This is the man that taught you to have patience and learn the ways of the Clan. The ways of the Clan are what underlie all that we do here. That is why they have been so successful. If you wish I can take another form of your choosing."  
"Iza. She taught me what was most important." It changed again and she saw the sparkling light that was its true form. The grass field disappeared and well below them the large rocks that formed the shell of the earth could be seen.  
"The red fire that explodes out of the earth from fire mountains cools into the rocks that underlies all that you know. It is a constantly shifting mosaic that makes everything on this earth temporary so that something new will always need to grow. It is life and death at the most basic level. It was some of these enormous rocks that shifted and swallowed your mother and her traveling companions."  
"Will I know her when I see her?"  
"She has waited the longest to see you. She expended almost all of her remaining life force to save you from that cave lion. Most mothers would prefer their children to rejoin them. She knew you were meant for more than the short life you had been given. If you wish, she will be the first to greet you when you are ready."  
"Yes. She is the mystery I most wish revealed."  
"She is glad. You are here as part of your death cycle, but this cycle is a circle. It is not an end, only another beginning. You can choose to go back and live a different life. You can live a limitless number of lives for the physical universe has always been here and will always be. It goes through cycles just like it's many parts."  
"We are not part of it?"  
"We are what created it. Before you went to join your mother, you were here with us. You chose to forget all and become Ayla. What we are doing now is giving you back your memory of what came before."  
"Did I know Jondalar before?"  
"Why else would he travel across the world to find you? You three have been finding your way to each other for eons."  
"Why give up everything only to come back here?"  
"You ask the best questions. I usually have to spend so much time spoon-feeding the information. When you know everything, when you are everything, when time does not exist, there is nothing to be gained. When you gave a person a remedy and it failed, what did you do? Did you give up?"  
"I tried something else. I tried something new. I never gave up."  
"That is what we do here, try and fail, try again and fail again. Have you ever wanted to understand the source of the ailment? Crawl down inside Rydag's heart and find out why it failed to work properly?"  
"Rydag. He wasn't with the Clan?"  
"He chose to be here when Nezzie and you arrived."  
"Yes. I wished I could understand the heart and head and stomach and liver."  
"That is what we do. We design it, build it, and then crawl down inside and live in it. I once walked the Earth as a giant Brontosaurus, the largest animal ever to walk on land. It was my finest creation."  
"Have you ever been human?"  
"No. I have little interest in sentient life. It is just too close to what we already have here. I prefer simpler things. She put me in charge of this after I came back from being the first Eagle. A magnificent bird, but it was all I could salvage from the dinosaur fiasco. I hope you agree to take over after you spend time with your most recent adventurers.  
"I don't think so. I think I will continue to go back."  
"That's what you said last time, and the time before that. You three and your wild adventures in sentience. I guess when you build it, you want to play with it as much as possible until you get it just right."  
"It isn't just playing? We aren't totally on our own down there, you still manipulate things from here?"  
"Each of us is part of the whole. We have a share of the life force. We can push some of that life force into the physical world to try and change things, but that energy is lost to us. The only way we can regain it is by going down there and living. The more suffering we endure, the more life force we regain. Some choose a short difficult life because they don't like it down there. Ever wonder why babies are born and live such short miserable existence? Short timers. Not you and your two friends. You live lives of extraordinary passion, inspiring others to expend their life force in your pursuits. It was Jondalar's grandmother that sent you to him in the blind canyon. Many of us kept your Jondalar from going over the cliff with the horses. That was an exciting day. "  
"You were watching?"  
"Someone is always watching. We can tap into the emotions and senses if we want to, but that expends life energy. Short timers prefer to feel living while still retaining their understanding."  
"You can't feel here?" She pinched her arm but only a light buzz of electricity spread out.  
"All we have here is love. That is the energy that pushes us to be more than we were before, pushes us to help others be more than they were before. Finding it down there is to taste what we have up here."  
"At the beginning of this, you asked me what I would change."  
"It is best to get the answer before you begin to feel where you are."  
"It would be better if I knew it wasn't an admission test."  
"We've tried that. It informs them too much of who and where they are. The hyena team rejected your suggestion, by the way."  
"I hate those filthy, stinking animals."  
"You should have seen the earlier models. Do you have any other ideas now?"  
"There needs to be a better way to give knowledge to the next generation. Clan memories are a good way."  
"But too limited. There are a few teams working on implementing symbology."  
"What's that?"  
"Using unique drawings for words."  
"Mamut showed me some of those. How many symbols could a human remember?"  
"Not many, that's the problem."  
"Maybe you should just have symbols for each sound and combine them into words."  
"Wait. They are all angry with themselves that they didn't think of that. They thank you."  
"Can we speed this up?"  
"Again the human impatience. They say it is one of the most important features, but it makes my job so much harder."  
"Sorry."

Chapter 6: Final Frontier

"I'm sorry Jonayla. She passed last night. She only woke for a few minutes. She couldn't talk."  
"We said our goodbyes long ago. I thought I would go before her though. Was she in pain?"  
"I don't think so. Just a long sleep. I think she smiled when she went."  
"That sounds like my mother. She loved an adventure."  
"She wanted us to have all of her medical supplies, but you are welcome to take anything you want."  
"No, there is nothing here that I need."  
"She told me why you moved back there. Has he talked to you?"  
"It sometimes feels like it, but no, he hasn't," Jonayla said sadly. "It is enough that I talk to him."  
"I hope there is something there. A place we go to. I have heard so many stories, but that is all they ever are. I think about that flood. What was his name?"  
"Hasorav."  
"That's right, Latie's son's name. I think about his brave run down the valley, as if he knew there were people that needed saving from the flood. He had never been here before, traveled so far, never left your side. He chose that moment as if the Mother sent him. If it was her, she could have just stopped the flood. I wish I knew the truth."  
"Maybe we will find out. Maybe my mother knows now." Jonayla looked at the wrapped body of her mother. "Well, mother? You got me started on talking to the dead. Now that is the way I will talk to you. Do you have any answers for me?" She waited. "I didn't think so. If you don't need anything from me, I am going to visit with family before the funeral."  
"Did she tell you she wanted a Clan burial?"  
"No, but it makes sense. I will help spread the salve. Tonight?"  
"Yes, at sundown. Thank you for coming all this way, Jonayla."  
"It was easier when we had horses."  
"Yes, it was. I'm afraid Latie and your mother took their secrets with them."  
"It was no secret. It was love." Jonayla left and headed down the hill.

"Greetings, sister." She embraced Dura warmly.  
"Jonayla. So good to see you."  
"Kinidar. You look well."  
"She keeps me busy, no time to get fat and old… I didn't mean you are… I just mean I… still run a lot."  
"All these years and you never change Kinidar. Imagine if we had mated how miserable you would be now. My sister is now the beautiful one, seemingly immune to life's degradations. Neither of you has changed much. You made the right choice waiting for her.  
"That was never my choice. You resisted my constant begging quite easily as I remember. As beautiful as you… were, I would have left you when she came back. She is more than my mate, she is the best part of me."  
"Kinidar will be happy to rub your road-weary feet as soon as he gets his own out of his mouth." Dura offered.  
"No thank you. I just wondered if you had planned to speak at the funeral."  
"I didn't, but I can."  
"I was hoping you would stand with me. I am not certain I will be able to get through it without breaking down."  
"I will be by your side, sister."  
"Thank you."

Jonayla stopped at the many dwellings where her Lanzadonii children, mates, and grandchildren lived. Most were out working, but mothers and their young were still close to home. She would see the rest before she headed back. They took turns visiting her each summer at the Ninth cave, and she was grateful for that. Seeing them all one last time made this somber occasion much more bearable.

Jonayla knelt at her mother's head and spread the red ochre salve carefully on her face and neck. The face she adored her entire life. It was the face she most wanted to return to on her trade missions. There was no person on this earth she loved more. She wondered if that would have changed if Haso had been her mate all of these years. Probably not. Ayla was strength, compassion, wisdom, fearless, sexy, motherly, and loving in a way no one could ever match. Her skin was wrinkled, but showed little of the advanced age she had reached. Jonayla felt a slight shame that she had let herself become what she was.

"I knew I could never live up to the legend that my mother already was before I was even born. The wolf that loved her would have been enough. The horse she rode on the back of would have been enough. Finding the white cave would have been enough. Discovering the fire stone and sharing its secret would have been enough. Raised by flatheads and given a superior talent for healing by them would have been enough. Showing us that the Clan are not only like us, they surpassed us in so many fundamental ways, would have been enough. Helping to build this thriving community where all were welcome and equal would have been enough. The thread puller would have been enough. Capturing my father's heart half a world away might have been enough. Any single one of those could have been enough but she did all of them in a single lifetime. The word legend seems inadequate. Even now when I tell the stories in Zelandonia, few really believe they happened. We are fortunate to not only have witnessed it, we benefited from it. Most of us owe her our health, our fortunes, some of us our lives are indebted to her. In a few more generations no one will remember. She will only exist in the stories they tell. Will they resemble the truth, or become distorted fables like the Wolf that loved the woman? I am glad I will not be here to know. I am glad I was a part of her story.  
"As I said, I knew I could never measure up to the legend. I stayed away from medicine and the Zelandonia so as not to be compared at all. There was a brief time I was seen as more beautiful than her, but only by those that never knew her at the height of her radiance. I could not compare to such a woman, so I avoided having anything in common. The one thing we shared was our love for our horses. Ayla and her daughter rode Whinnie and her daughter for the pure joy of doing so. I turned it into a profession to further differentiate myself and… it was my undoing. I lost sight of the joy my mother sought every single day of her life. I lost sight of what it meant to give everything of yourself without care of any return. I lost sight of what it meant to be alive, truly alive. I beg you to take this lesson from my mother. Give everything you have without regard for your profit in the venture. Love whoever is there to be loved. Seek joy in everything you do because that is why we are here. Find satisfaction in every small step forward we make. Most of all, share with anyone who will listen to the truth of the most extraordinary life ever lived." She leaned against Dura, her tears falling continuously. She grimaced and nodded, letting the gathered people know that she was done.  
It started quietly deep in the gathered crowd. A low chanting repetition of her name, "Aaaaaaaayla". It grew in length and volume as others added their voice to it. It echoed off the surrounding mountains. Dura helped Jonayla walk to the burial cairn and they both knelt. The fire stone was struck and the desiccating fire was lit. Dura stood and made the motions that gathered the old spirits of the Clan and told them of the life of the woman who walked two worlds, broke down the walls, and built a tenuous bridge of understanding. Clan drum rhythms accompanied the thunderous chant that stirred the heavens to take notice. The Lanzadonia began to sing the Mother's Song, adding to the magical cacophony.

"That was a wonderful eulogy for your mother Jonayla." Each well-wisher said in their own way as they passed by.  
"As in everything I have done, it was only adequate to the moment." She repeated over and over in solemn response.

"I never understood that about you Jonayla." Kinidar said as they walked her back to the mammoth hearth where she would be sleeping. "No one would ever accuse me of being smart, but I wish I had known that."  
"Kinidar, I wish I had known that because it only served to lessen my life. To do it again I would have done my best to absorb and add to what she accomplished, not fight it."  
"I was there Jonayla." Dura spoke up. "The bridge you spoke of, you built that with the Children's Camp. Not Durc, not Ayla, that was you. You gave her credit for one of the greatest accomplishments of our time. Don't you dare lessen your role in it."  
"A temporary halt to the decline at best. You are welcome to credit me at my funeral if anyone attends. I envied her, I envied you, I envied all those that revered my tenuous beauty. I have wasted my time here."  
"You envied me?" Dura asked skeptically.  
"You always knew exactly what you were going to do, you didn't let anyone get in your way, and you did it without any concern for the consequences. I also chose paths to disassociate myself from you. Instead of just following my path, I purposely avoided the paths of those I envied. I even avoided men like the one you chose for yourself. Even now I envy you your husband. Cordran was as opposite I could get from Kinidar. When I finally had true love shoved in my face, it was a boy just like Kinidar, and because of that I shrugged him off until it was too late."  
"I knew you were secretly in love with me," Kinidar said with a humorous swagger.  
"No, I wasn't. I should have been, but only if I understood the value of a truly dedicated, loyal, and loving man. Thank you for standing by me tonight, my sister. You have been so good to me despite my failures."  
Dura hugged her and said goodnight.

It was a long road back to Zelandonia. Jonayla's pack was heavy and her feet and legs were in constant pain. She made willow bark tea at night so she could simply sleep on the hard ground. She kept going with one singular hope in mind. He would be up there, on their mountain, waiting for her. She had been going up there faithfully for years with no result, but hope was there and renewed with her mother's passing. Perhaps her mother would meet her there, maybe bringing him with her.  
What helped pass the time was her traveling companions. Those that had accompanied her to be at her mother's side, and attend the expected funeral if she passed. They were young acolytes when they trained with the legendary healer, now in the Zelandonia themselves. Also traveling back with Jonayla were several of her grandchildren, given the task of seeing her home safely. They insisted she repeat their favorite stories and she always had others to add.

"Almost there grandmother. One more day."  
"I have traveled this road a hundred times Keneval. I know exactly where we are and how much farther it is to travel."  
"Sorry grandmother. I was only…"  
"Trying to encourage me, I know dear. Don't let my foul temper bother you. You will understand when you get old."  
"I understand grandmother. Can I ask your advice?"  
"Of course dear, but understand I have made so many bad decisions in my life, you are better off doing the opposite of what I say."  
"Mother wants me to learn toolmaking. She says it is always good to have that skill."  
"She is right, it is useful." He looked disappointed. "What do you want to do?"  
"I want to paint."  
"Why can't you do both?"  
"If I spend my day banging rocks together, my hands hurt too much to paint. Besides, I'm no good at it anyway, and everyone in the Lanzadonii makes tools."  
"And you want to be special?"  
"Doesn't everyone?"  
"If you want to move to the Ninth cave and become an artist I will support your decision." His eyes brightened. "How do you intend to contribute to the Ninth cave?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Your father and older siblings hunt for your share of the food. I can't do that for you, and you are too young."  
"I can collect berries, I guess."  
"You want to live on berries? You can collect enough to get you through the winter?"  
"Doesn't everyone share the food at the Ninth cave?"  
"If you are a member. I was born at the Ninth cave. It has always been my home even when I lived in the Lanzadonii. I supported them when I was young and healthy, so now they support me. Why should anyone support you while you do your… painting?"  
"I'll be able to hunt eventually."  
"Then that's when you can ask to join us at the Ninth cave." He looked even more disappointed. She knew he had no interest in hunting either. They walked on as he sulked. "Do you like taking care of your old grandmother on this trip."  
"Yes, grandmother," he said without much enthusiasm.  
"Would you be willing to do more of that? Tend fires, cook and clean, empty the night basket, run errands for me?" He started to see she was offering for him to stay with her at the Ninth cave in exchange for simple tasks he could do.  
"Yes grandmother, I could do that."  
"But would you?"  
"I guess."  
"Would you also be willing to do that for other old people like me?"  
"I guess."  
"I'm going to be honest with you Keneval. You have done well helping me on this trip, but you don't do it enthusiastically, and you need to be asked and reminded far too often. I know you would rather be running and playing with your friends at home than walking slowly with me. At some point, you will need to give up playing until the hard work is done. My lazy former mate never really learned that. He got by because he was so likable. Do you want to be a likable person or a useful one? If you were to show me you could be a useful one, I will support you and get other artists to help train you. If you aren't useful, I will kick you out just like I did to that no good grandfather of yours."  
"I promise I will be useful. Will mother allow it?"  
"Why do you think she chose you to see me home?" He looked confused. "Yes, it was her idea. Be useful or you'll be up in that valley banging rocks together with the rest of them."

"Why do you spend so much time up here grandmother?" Keneval asked.  
"I'm waiting for a friend. Thank you for bringing me my dinner. You can go now. I'll see you tomorrow when I come down for the meeting." He looked at her strangely, then left without another word. He couldn't understand why anyone would sleep up here instead of in a warm bed. What kind of friend would keep you waiting so long? He was tired of the one-hour hike to get here, but it let him spend most of his day learning to draw. Several of the other artists had given him their time and were pleased with his enthusiasm and potential. He was disappointed he couldn't immediately go to painting, but drawing was faster and did not use up expensive and rare resources.  
Drawing in the sand was tedious at first, but he enjoyed inventing new designs more than making shapes look like animals. A woman who made decorative dwelling panels saw some of his designs and asked if she could try duplicating them. He began working with her not only to design them, but to make them. By the end of the following summer, people from every cave were interested in trading for one or more of their decorative panels.

"I guess you are useful now Keneval. You don't have to take care of me any more to earn your keep."  
"Yes, I do grandmother. Every single thing I do for you reminds me that I'll never have to ruin my hands banging rocks together. Can I ask you if your friend ever showed up?"  
"Not yet, but I am still hopeful."  
"Why can't he meet you down here?"  
"Because he is in the spirit world."  
"Are you crazy, grandmother?" The boy asked sincerely.  
She laughed. "You've been talking to your grandfather?"  
"He says mean things, but I ignore him. He is teaching me carving."  
"I didn't know he could do that."  
"He can't, but he thinks he can. He's fun to hang out with. I'll stop if you want me to."  
"Not at all. As long as you understand which is the right path to follow."  
"Useful is more important than likable."  
"Luckily you have both. Your grandparents only have one of those qualities each."  
"You're funny, grandmother. Do you need help walking up there tomorrow?"  
"No, I think it will rain. I may be done going up there this year."  
"I can bring up a tent and firewood. I'll stay with you if you want."  
"You just want to hear more stories."  
"I want to draw your stories."  
"Wouldn't that be the most perfect gift you could give to the world."

Keneval tossed two more logs on the fire so he could see his dirt drawing better. "You said she had really long hair?"  
"All the way down her back, curly and black. We thought for sure it would fall into the fire and burn away as she worked, but it never did."  
"Did she ever cut it?"  
"No, she died too young, with three small children."  
"How did she die?"  
"After her last baby, she just began to lose weight. At the end, she wasn't much more than skin, bone, and long, long hair."  
"Did she look like this?"  
Jonayla sat up and looked at the scratches in the dirt. "it is hard to tell when everything is the same color. I would put a baby in her arms because that is how she would want to be remembered."  
"Who are you waiting for grandmother?"  
"That isn't a story I ever tell."  
"Why?"  
"It hurts too much to remember."  
"So you don't think about them when you are up here?"  
"You're right. That is all I think about when I am up here because I want to be hurt by what I did to him. I am the reason he walks the spirit world. It is more accurate to say I am ashamed of the story, ashamed of what I did to him."  
"Did you… kill him?"  
She chuckled. "No. I get angry, but never in a killing rage. I was never more than annoyed by him."  
"Was it the boy that got killed by the lion?"  
"Yes."  
"He died a hero saving you. Why would you be ashamed of that?"  
"Because we should not have been there at all." He looked at her expectantly. "He was only a boy, younger than you when I first met him. He lived at the Mamutoi camp when I went there with your grandfather. He loved hearing my stories just like you do. Others would wander off or fall asleep, but he would sit there wide-eyed and spellbound hanging on every single word. He would hold up his hand and wait for me to stop so he could ask questions. He wanted every single detail. He told me in his mind he could imagine being right there with me, sharing the adventure."  
"I can usually picture it in my mind, but I never feel like I am there. Most often the stories are too scary and I wouldn't want to be there. The lion would have eaten me whole while I stood there crying."  
"As would most of us." She knew she would have stood there with him facing that lion, but the boy didn't need to know that. She also knew fire and escape was the better option to save the horses. "When your grandfather decided not to return here with me, this simple boy left his home and family and helped me get back here safely. Your father was just a tiny baby."  
"You told him stories while you traveled?"  
"Some. It can be boring walking along the ice wall. There is nothing to see. A few distant mountains. No trees or interesting plants. Just endless short grass and rolling flat land with scattered boulders and chunks of melting blue ice."  
"Why is the ice blue?"  
"I don't know. The Mamutoi believe it is so cold on the other side of the wall that it turns the ice that color."  
"Mother said he loved you."  
"Your mother talks too much. Yes, he loved me, but what does a boy know about love? More than this old woman ever did, as it turns out. I'm not sure you would understand the rest of the story, you are too young."  
"If you say so."  
She sat up again. "Did you add the baby? Oh yeah, there it is. Very nice. It needs color, but I can see it in my memories." She lay back down and looked up at the stars. He silently scratched at the dirt.  
"Is it because you loved him that you feel ashamed?"  
"You just can't let it go, can you?"  
"You don't have to tell me."  
"My shame is that I loved him but never told him. I treated him like a stupid boy right up to the end. I lied to myself, lied to him. I should have had one or two others with us on that trip. I went alone with him because I wanted to figure out what I already knew but was too stubborn to admit, and I didn't want others to watch me make a fool of myself."  
After a long silence, he asked. "Why do we love?"  
"I wish I knew. It has been mostly heartbreak for me. I'm the last person you should ask." She knew he deserved a better answer, but she could not find the words. "The person to ask died last summer."  
"Lanzadoni?"  
"Yes. My mother knew love. She gave and received it every day with every person she met."  
"When I was six she told me not to hit my sister. She said I should love her even when I don't like her. I thought love was just not hitting someone."  
"That's a good start. Never hit a girl no matter how much she deserves it."  
"I love drawing more than anything. It is what I want to spend all my time doing. I think love is what you want to spend your time doing."  
"You see, you are already way ahead of me. I am spending all my time with a silent ghost."  
Keneval pushed all the coals to the center of the fire and then threw two more logs on. He climbed into his sleeping roll and fell asleep instantly. When he woke Jonayla was packing up camp.  
"I'll do that grandmother."  
"I'm done with this foolishness. How can I pretend to love a man when a ten-year-old boy knows more about love than I do? Don't ever help me come back here."  
"I'm eleven, grandmother."  
"That makes all the difference in the world. Winter is almost here. We need to figure out how to add colors to your drawings."

"You told me not to help you go back there, grandmother."  
"That isn't what I am asking for. If I am not back home in a quarter moon, come up and check on me."  
"I'll be at the summer meeting by then." She looked at him sternly. "I thought you were done with that."  
"I was, and now I'm not."  
"Why don't you come to the summer meeting with us?"  
"Who found you blue for your skies, and green for your grassy hills?"  
"Fine grandmother. I will come back and check on you."  
"Thank you Keneval."

"One more journey Kinidar?"  
"I will follow you anywhere Dura, my love." He wheezed out slowly, barely a whisper.  
"No matter where you have gone, I will find you. You made my long life possible. You made it enjoyable. You made it worth living." He closed his eyes and sometime in the night, his body against hers, his wheezing stopped. Dura woke before dawn and knew. She held him and wept.

"Where are you running mother?" Durvalo asked as he swung the enormous axe head down on the log.  
Dura just smiled and waved. It was not an easy climb into the hills. Her lungs and legs burned from lack of use. When she reached the long lake she took off her wraps and foot coverings. She admired the view, from the snow-capped mountains in the west to the giant glacier to the east. She dove into the frigid water and swam toward to small waterfall at the north end. It was tiny in the distance, pouring fresh glacial melt into the calm lake.  
"I'm coming my love, wait for me my love." She repeated as her strokes slowed and then stopped. Her body slipped under the water. She didn't feel her frigid feet touch the bottom. She was already flying south toward the Southern sea. Over the narrow crossing to the sand hills. The endless dense green jungle, the wide sweeping plains. The snow covered ground, another larger southern sea. The southern ice wall. It was an island surrounded by sea. Back up to the wide plains with strange horses. The giant mountain, with the dangerous river that flows north. The Jamanar tribe living in endless abundance. The Southern sea to the peninsula of her birth. She swooped down and saw her son leading the hunt, using his spear-thrower to easily fell the stampeding buffalo. She followed the Great Mother River up to the narrow chasm where her beautiful man lived. Up between the mountain ranges following the Sister to the great ice wall. Over the steppes to the Mamutoi earth lodges. Two long winters of her life there. She flew East, high above the world, seeing it begin to curve into the ball she had imagined. Partly shrouded in clouds she saw the land of Hoshiman's people and the edge of the great ice wall.  
Dura was disappointed when she saw that it was not the end of the land. The wall prevented access, but there was a narrow bridge of land over to another enormous world. How she wished she could have run across that land. It seems to extend all the way down toward the southern ice island. Another Eastern sea and there was Zelandonia and Lanzadonia. The second Eastern sea was the Western sea she had seen many times. No way to have walked that way either. It seemed like the Mother did not want that land spoiled by people. She floated down and watched them solemnly carry Kinidar to the burial field. They would never find her, her final resting place already beginning to ice over at night. She wondered if anyone had run more of the world than she had.  
A sound above her drew her up and she entered a dark void. She felt the earth beneath her feet and she walked toward the dim light ahead. She turned a corner and saw the cave bear. She thought he was sleeping until he spoke.  
"Welcome, Dura of Durc's Clan. Do you wish to enter?"  
"Is Kinidar here?"  
"I know no one by that name. Ura and Durc are here, as is your brother."  
"May I speak with them?"  
"Only if you pass through."  
"I am afraid if I do I will never find Kinidar."  
"Your love for him must be strong. That is why you arrive before your time?"  
"His time was my time."  
"Your love for your father was great too. That is part of the memories. You are choosing to go back to the void?"  
"If that is where Kinidar is."  
"That is unknown to me. I only know what is in the memories. Before you return to the void, your mother wishes to speak with you. The bear stood up and changed slowly into the form of her mother. She rushed forward to embrace her. The familiar feel and smell of her brought tears to her eyes.  
"Durc told me you would not stay."  
"I can't, mother."  
"I am sad. There is much to talk about."  
"Is father happy now? He was so lost and miserable without you."  
"Your father has accepted his place in this world. He was able to spend much time with his mother before she went into the void."  
"While she slept."  
"Yes. We could have done the same with you but, as usual, you ran ahead on your chosen journey. Our time is short. Do you have a message for your father?"  
"No. We talked plenty before he died. I would like to tell you that your sacrifice changed me. I tried not to think about it, but what Jonayla said about her mother at the funeral really made me look at it. I would have never been a good Clan woman like you. It is difficult to imagine the life I would have had if Durc had died instead of you. Even if you had both lived, I would never have had much of a life. What you did set me free. Did you know that when it happened?"  
"I had no time to think. I just saved Durc. After I float up and see what had happened, that you had saved Durc, I understand a better path for you. I tell Durc this. He wanted to leave, to stay here with me. You needed him so I made him stay. I am happy you have a better life without me. I would sacrifice again if only for that."  
"I have done the same for Kinidar. I need to go to him."  
"Goodbye, my daughter."  
Ura transformed back into the cave bear. "Goodbye Dura of Durc's Clan. I hope to see you again."  
Before Dura could ask what he meant, a wind pushed her back down the cave into the void.

Jonayla stood naked on the high cliff. Her body, ravaged by the years and injuries and pregnancies, was wrinkled and stretched and blemished. A tumor grew inside her chest making it difficult to breathe. It had taken her all day to climb to this favorite childhood overlook. Her parents were gone. Her horse was gone. Her children were all busy with their families. She had nothing left to live for, but she never felt more alive. For so many years she has come up here to be with him. She lay back on the warm, sun-soaked rock and spread herself for him. In the wind, he touched her clumsily as he always had. In the sunlight, his body warmed her through and pressed down on her. In the faint rustle of the tree below she heard his words.

"You are beautiful, tender, and light.  
I see you below me, my body ignites To touch your soft places is my only desire For this one gift, I would brave any fire There were nights that I walked in your dreams Everything there much more real than it seems Now I am with you, inside you, above Here is the time where we join in our love Nothing in this life has prepared me for you Never will I doubt that my dreams will come true As long as within you a heart does still beat Above you is where we always shall meet Fly up with me now and soar through the sky Tomorrow will never come, unless you say goodbye."

Jonayla's body trembled at his rhythmic words as her mind floated upward into the clouds. Her final trade mission was to give the earth what remained in exchange for the freedom of endless flight.

"Mother?"  
"Welcome home Jonayla."  
"What do you mean, home?"  
"You'll see. Someone has been waiting here for you."  
"Haso!"

The End… Really. No more. Finito.

Unless... Dura is reincarnated? Then she could finish exploring the prehistoric world…

The End… until Dura's New World

End Notes:  
The final book (Book 9) that will follow this one is a completely new adventure with completely new characters, carrying forward only the 'spirit' of my favorite character, Dura, driven to see the rest of the world. It is linked only in the prehistoric fantasy genre invented by the genius of Jean M. Auel.  
I will understand if you wish to stop reading here. Whether or not you continue, I sincerely thank you for reading this far and apologize for not putting in the time and effort a truly finished story would deserve. It has been a labor of love, and I do not regret a second of my time spent with it, but my significant other is expecting me to start producing commercially viable materials going forward.  
I genuinely welcome any and all criticisms, no matter how negative. You have certainly earned your disdain.  
God bless you and, of course, walk with Ursus.


End file.
